WWE RAW Results (8/30) - 900th RAW, Bret Hart & More!

-Coleslaw and Lawler talk about their recent tour of China. We get a video package highlighting the events.

-THIS IS YOUR LIFE!! Best segment ever.

-And we're going to continue that awesomeness with CM Punk and the Straight Edge Society. It's really not the same without Serena though. Punk asks if we know who he's better than. The Rock. He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke and he doesn't make crappy movies like The Tooth Fairy. Do you people like The Rock? Do you people miss The Rock on Monday Night Raw? CM Punk doesn't miss the Rock. It's because The Rock epitomizes this septic tank of a show that is Monday Night Raw. 900 shows is a milestone, but for 900 shows Raw has promoted poor family values. He's got two words for us. Katie Vick. YES! And if you don't get it, that's fine, but youtube it and it will drive yout to drink and then see CM Punk and he'll save us. Punk here to show us some of the most atrocious acts by Raw superstars. Exhibit A: Property damage. We see Triple H invading Orton's home and beating the s--t out of him. People acting like animals. Exhibit B: Irresponisble and Reckless Behavior. We see Cena throwing Edge into the Long Island Sound. Punk for one would never throw another competitor into any body of water (coughChavo Guerrero). Exhibit C: Trespassing. DX invading WCW. And last but not least, Exhibit D: Dumb, excessive use of alcohol via fire hose. Yeah, I think you all know what this one is. Punk can't find the words to describe that. He says we would all lie and empty our pockets to see Stone Cold walk down the ramp and spray CM Punk with beer via a fire hose. That's the kind of GLASS SHATTERS MOTHERf--kER!

But there's no one there. Punk starts laughing on the ground. Did you fall for it? Are you dissapointed? Do you feel empty inside? Well good, because that's how dissapointed Punk feels when he sees each and every one of us. He's happy we're dissapointed. And he's going to show us one more clip and leave on a high note. This clip is from a good show, Smackdown. It's a clip of Lesnar superplexing Big Show through the ring. Punk says he can watch that clip over and over, because it represents everything he could never be. It represents being criminally obese, he doesn't know who the other guy was, but Big Show was so big... And here comes Show.

Punk says we get Austin's music and no Austin but get Big Show's music and instead get Captain Insano. Show said he lost some weight and then found it. If Show wants to embarass him, talk about something really embarasing, like Eddie Guerrero giving him that burrito that left him constipated for five days. Or the time he did the sum wrestling thing. If you really want to bring up something embarassing, video of him kissing Vickie Guerrero. Show loves to make people laugh, he does impersonations. Let Me Tell You Something Brother, They're Running Wild Brother, StraightEdge Society DUDE!! Punk says that was boring, that was not funny and no one likes you. Ha. Show raises his hand. He says that was mean. Punk says you want mean? There is nothing high about the Straight Edge Society, and that's what makes them better than you. Show says he's not high but just tall. Show takes out Punk and Gallows. Punk and Matthews bail out. Show clotheslines Gallows over the top as the SES backs off. For as terrible as this Raw's been, CM Punk just single handedly, with a little help from Big Show, saved it.

-If I see one more "Did You Know" fact, I'm gonna go crazy. STOP TELLING US IT'S THE 900TH EPISODE. WE GET IT.