Total Divas: John Cena Warming Up To Marriage, Dolph Flirts With Nikki, Paige / Alicia Fox Heat

We open with the news that TJ's neck surgery has been a big success. Cesaro goes to visit TJ in the hospital. This is surprisingly sweet. I predict an end of season five twist where these two abandon Nattie and run off into the sunset together to watch nothing but Japanese wrestling and NXT tapes 24/7.

In general, things are not going well for Nattie. She's worried about her faltering career. She's worried about TJ's recovery. No doubt she's worried about the fact TJ will be eloping with Cesaro soon enough too. She cries backstage, but impressively, does not smudge her mascara or the rest of her make up one bit. Perhaps with her wrestling career in trouble, she can become a spokesperson for Max Factor.

Later, Summer Rae?of all people?provides Nattie with a shoulder to cry on and manages to talk her down. They share a tender hug and a kiss. Not in that HLA type-of -way from WWE in the early '00s. Just, you know, in a "female solidarity" type-of-way.

Meanwhile, John and Nikki are officially celebrating three whole years together and go to dinner. This is, of course, a deeply emotional and private milestone for them?so naturally they bring an entire camera crew along. John is wearing a weird retro '70s-style suit that he looks like he pilfered from Vince McMahon's closet. John, are you celebrating your anniversary or hosting an old game show?

Over dessert, Nikki proceeds to begin what seems her 4,936th conversation with John about marriage and children. For once, he actually appears amendable to the idea of getting married. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life," he tells her, sounding a bit like he gets his life's dialogue from '90s romantic comedies starring Meg Ryan.

He then follows this up with the annoyingly vague "I'd love to marry you!" So...is this a marriage proposal or not? Millennial dating experts will argue. Nikki, meanwhile, has to take time to consider if she would be truly with a childless marriage.

Later, Nikki and Dolph (and Brie) go to a WWE-sponsored literary event for school kids. Harry Potter and the Unresolved Sexual Tension with My Ex. These poor little kids, man. All they want to do is learn to read and instead they have to witness Nikki and Dolph flirting wildly while a concerned Brie looks on...all for the sake of a cheesy, overtly scripted reality show on E! Incidents like this are perhaps partly why literacy rates among children in the US are falling.

Honestly, it feels like poor Nikki is stuck between choosing a badly dressed robot who's afraid to commit and a bleach blonde '80s sports movie villain who is borderline stalking her. At this point, she might be better dumping both these jokers and trying to make it on her own.

In other news: There's tension between Alicia and Paige. Paige stiffs her in a match. Then Alicia unfollows Paige on social media (GASP!).

Inevitably, they make up at the end (everyone on this show makes up at the end). This should be a big deal, but frankly, I've never quite been convinced these two even like each other all that much. At least on this show, anyway. The friendship comes off as a bit artificial. Maybe they're just not good actors but, regardless, I don't buy it. Thelma and Louise, this ain't.

On next week's show: Cesaro moves in with Nattie and TJ and schemes to murder her and make it look like an accident so he can have TJ all to himself. Can the cats save her in time?

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