So far, this entire season of Total Bellas has been all about Nikki Bella wangsting, in some way or another, about fellow WWE diva John Cena. Objectively, it -- allegedly -- makes sense: a wrestling "power couple" was born when these two got together, but they are about as compatible as Vince McMahon and a firm grip on reality, especially given that they clearly want two different things in life (Nikki wants kids, John doesn't, in a nutshell). So now that they finally broke up -- but not really -- Nikki's left to ask herself, "what is it that I really want in life?"
And that existential question is at the heart of Total Bellas S3 E5 -- unfortunately, Nikki's answer is still "I want John Cena." It's like she's a one-woman fan club for this guy -- you get the distinct feeling that she has John Cena sheets, John Cena posters, John Cena trading cards, a John Cena Ken doll, and she practices French kissing on a pillow with a John Cena pillowcase on it.
Yeesh. John Cena is in complete love with himself, and even he doesn't think he's this awesome.
Whatever. On we go.
So while Nikki Bella is wangsting about how she wants EVERYTHING, DAMN YOU, so long as she has John Cena by her side (barf), Brie Bella is -- as usual -- taking a more reasoned approach to things. While she'd love nothing more than to "have it all," as a mother, she realizes that this isn't a realistic expectation to place on herself, and she starts to loosen her grip on all her professional endeavors to focus on becoming a good wife and mom.
Nevertheless, when the Danielsons decide to leave baby Birdie with their aunt so they can pack up their Phoenix house (and this segment features a sweet clip of the two of them reminiscing about how awesome their life has been so far), Nikki decides to enlist the help of a nanny to help her with her niece, in the hopes that the idea will rub off on Birdie so she, too, can hire a nanny and have EVERYTHING, DAMN YOU.
While Brie entertains the idea, you can tell by the look on her face that she thinks the last person she should be taking advice from is her twin sister, since clearly, Brie got the brains in this family. Brie, ultimately, prefers to leave the old house in Phoenix behind and never look back, eager to start a new chapter with her awesome husband and even more awesome baby. Oh, look, kids, it's a normal, healthy, adult relationship -- what's it doing on the E! network?
As a sidebar, this online Total Bellas exclusive featuring baby Birdie, her mommy, and her auntie is just too cute for words. Apparently, the poor child can't figure out which Bella is which, but all she has to do is figure out which Bella is writing "I LUV J.C. 4EVA" and "Mrs. Nikki Cena" over and over again in a notebook...and go to the other one if she wants her mama.
Meanwhile, back in I Love Cena-ville, Nikki and John meet for a dinner where Cena demands that Nikki "lay her cards out on the table." In a perfect world, his tone of voice would have been met with a clothesline from Nikki Bella, but instead, it's met with her rubbing up on him...because nothing says "twoo wuv" like a guy that talks to you like you're a petulant child. Like, duh, you guys.
Nikki finally confesses that the reason they split has nothing to do with her no longer being in love with Cena (oh for God's sake...), but because she wants to hear the pitter-patter of Cena's crotchfruits' little feet. Cena finally concedes the point and agrees to give Nikki his seedlings (oh, GOD, the visual...) so long as he gets to keep her in his life. Nothing says romance like "I'm okay with you as my baby mama, as long as you're in my life." That can only lead to good things, I'm sure.
Total Bellas airs every Sunday at 9:00 p.m. EST on E! networks.