Whether we like it or not, folks, this wedding is really happening: Nikki Bella and John Cena are taking the plunge, jumping the broom, tying the knot...whatever phrase you want to use, they're doing it. And in this latest episode of Total Bellas, we see -- once and for all -- that the only reason they're marrying one another is because no one else will deal with them.
Seriously, can two more people be any more annoying?
So Nikki is now in full wedding planning mode, and has adopted the persona of a complete and utter Bridezilla. Her, and her long-suffering twin Brie, have taken to "the City" of New York to go wedding dress shopping, and like a bad episode of Say Yes to the Dress, Nikki decides that it's appropriate to try on a grand total of three dresses before settling on the one she likes. And, much like a bad episode of the hit TLC show, Nikki wangsts and moans about each gown. ("It's A dress, not THE dress." Heffa, please.)
But that isn't the worst part of the planning, of course -- Nikki has decided that all of her girlfriends are going to be in the bridal party, so NO ONE feels left out. It's this eagerness to please that, in a different setting, makes Nikki a sympathetic character, but in the context of this supreme work, makes her seem like a royal pain in the ass. Girl, piss a few people off -- so what? Just live your best life and stop whining.
Of course, then she -- TEH DRAMZ! -- announces that she doesn't want ANY bridesmaids AT ALL, you guys, and "the girls"
breathe a collective sigh of relief ask her why she didn't just say so in the first place.
Brie, of course, is someone that feels it's essential to live one's best life, and warns Nikki that she's probably still got some hesitation about the impending nuptials to fellow WWE diva John Cena. Nikki, of course, thinks her sister totally doesn't know what she's talking about, you guys. Never mind the fact that she's been married already -- and to a decent, stand-up guy who's not up his own ass, no less. No, sir! Brie Bella is just a supporting character in Nikki's never-ending telenovela with Ferdinand the Bull. I just cannot.
Meanwhile, over in Normal-Ville, Brie and Daniel are settling into their new life in San Diego, and they're doing quite alright for themselves. But, as successful wrestlers, they want to treat themselves to nice things -- even if they can't have a sprawling mansion like The Rock's, or a Miami compound like Hulk Hogan's, they want a few nice things with the money they worked hard for, and all's the better for them. Live your best life, Brie!
Unfortunately, living your best life in Brie's case means having a $10,000-plus art collection, which "good old boy" Daniel can't understand for the life of him, especially since the purchase is from a local painter rather than, say, Serrat or Van Gogh. (Of course, $10,000 isn't going to buy you a Van Gogh postcard these days.) Daniel feels that Brie should spend her money a little more wisely, since there's only but so many more times he can get slapped to the mat -- and knocked out of commission -- to pay for her habit. Brie, bless her, can't argue with this logic.
There's then a cute scene where Daniel has to deal with his mother-in-law, who is only marginally less annoying than Nikki (though at least now we know where she gets it from). Both he and fellow Bella son-in-law John have to deal with Kathy shrieking about her driving anxiety, and Daniel -- who is the most likeable person in this entire bunch -- finally conveys that he, too, suffers with anxiety, and tries to alleviate her fears by taking her skydiving. He's a better man than most for taking her skydiving with a parachute, so points for him there. No one needs a murder charge hanging over their heads, Daniel -- you are not Jimmy Superfly Snooka. Though, if it ever does get to a court of law, all one needs to see is this season of Total Bellas to let The American Dragon off with nothing more than a fine and some community service.
Total Bellas airs next Sunday at 9:00 p.m. EST on E!