Total Bellas S3 E8 Recap: ...And The Nikki Bella - John Cena Telenovela Continues

Last week, we saw the disaster that was Nikki Bella picking out her wedding dress. This week's episode of Total Bellas features Nikki Bella and her long-suffering twin sister, Brie, hauling off to Paris, where they have a bachelorette party for the ages.

And yes, that's all good and fine, and for a minute, it looks like we're really going to get to like Nikki and this nearly-sociopathic work she's giving us. Call it a side effect of the constant exposure to these two, but Nikki is becoming -- dare I say -- likable and relatable? Ugh. Unfortunately, John Cena is still as annoying as ever.

And then we fall down the rabbit hole of the John Cena telenovela, and it's all over again. It's almost like this show will do so much better if it were over-dubbed in Spanish, given cheesy sting music, and aired on Univision.

So in the beginning, we see a lot of the stereotypically "girly" stuff -- all the girls getting together and enjoying the city of love, having "girl talk" about what makes the perfect man, questions about whether Nikki will write her own wedding vows...you know, all the typical things that normal, healthy adult women talk about when they hang out with one another. (Although what Nikki would say in her vows to John, and what benefit he provides her besides dick on demand, remains to be seen.)

The thing about this bachelorette party is that it is, for the most part, pretty wholesome. There's no wild and crazy stripper parties, no arrests in Vegas, no trips south of the border to pick up prostitutes of questionable origin or to run drugs for a crazy crime lord of movie-sinister proportions.

Instead, these women find the fun in going to a haunted house.

And getting balloons.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BlRnjton9Ey/

And, of course, they promise that there will be a full masquerade ball for next Sunday's episode.

All in all, visually, this episode is pretty great.

But then, of course, we have to fall down the Cena wormhole, and Nikki starts to wangst again about how she has "complicated feelings" for John and she's just not sure if she's going to walk down the aisle with him, and whine whine whine John whine whine whine, and oh God can we PLEASE just see more video of the Ninth Arrondissement because she's going on and on droning about John until my hair hurts and I just want to see Paris to make it all better...

Part 2 of the Paris trip/bachelorette party airs on Total Bellas next Sunday at 9:00 p.m. EST on E! Networks.

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