(Credit: lordsofpain.net & BC)

PROMO: CHRISTIAN CAGE
– Cage promises to be the first to enter and leave King Of The Mountain with the belt.
– Sting came out to save the “WWECW-level” segment.
– Okay, that was harsh. I apologize.
– The “Hiroshima/Nagasaki-level” segment.
– Sting said he was in KOTM to stop Jarrett, not dethrone Cage.
– He’s got nothing left to prove.
– Cage says Jarrett’s win wouldn’t destroy TNA, but his loss would because this is his time.
– Holy quasi-heel turns, Batman! About f–kin’ time Christian grew a set.

VIDEO PACKAGE: JEFF JARRETT
– Jarrett says if the new face of TNA management is who he thinks, he needs the belt to secure his job.
PROMO: KEVIN NASH & ALEX SHELLEY
– Shelley says he found a “Sabin clone” that didn’t look like Sabin.
– As a result, he’ll wear a mask.
– Nash sings a little. I think I’m in love.
MATCH: THE DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH vs. THE NATURALS
– Naturals use a lot of unique double-team moves.
– Simon Diamond uses a chain to kayo Andy Douglas.
– David Young gets the pin as The Naturals’ losing streak continues.
– The Nats chase Simon through the crowd to the Spanish Announce Table.
– L.A.X., still protesting, attack because they crossed the “No Gringos Allowed” border.
– Shane Douglas comes out and apparently means business.
– Fine time to take a commercial break, don’t you think?
– Nacho Libre > See No Evil

– Back as Douglas (Shane, not Andy) is b—hing about The Naturals sucking.
– He says Chris Candido, his good friend, took the Nats under his wing last year.
– My cable cut out… >:(
– Came back with Shane promising to take The Nats back to the top.
– I have a feeling I’d really have enjoyed that.
– Slick Johnson appeared at the broadcast booth and said the new face of TNA management wanted to see Larry Zbyszko right now.
– TELL HIM, NOT US!
VIDEO PACKAGE: SAMOA JOE vs. SCOTT STEINER
– Steiner calls Joe a “half-breed” and promises to beat him like one.
– Exactly how does one beat a half-breed?
– Lots of intense comments thrown back and forth. Good stuff.
– Whether or not the match delivers, the build’s been choice.

PROMO: RON KILLINGS
– He promises to become 3-time NWA Champion.
MATCH: KEVIN NASH with Alex Shelley vs. MR. X
– A masked midget comes out as Mr. X.
– Obviously, The Zombie was unavailable.
– Nash says he thinks it’s really Sabin wearing lifts.
– Sabin is shown watching backstage… to prove it’s not, I guess.
– Nash delivers a chokeslam from his knees, and still gets pretty good height on it.
– Frog splash from the bottom rope by Nash gets a “That was awesome” chant.
– Nash delivers the big boot while sitting in a chair, then throws up the X sign.
– Jackknife powerbomb ends it.
– Brilliant stuff.
GLOBAL IMPACT: HARDCORE WAR
– Highlights of the house show in the ECW Arena.
– Team 3D and The James Gang had a “brawl in the bingo hall”.
– Okay… aren’t house shows, by definition, NOT taped for TV? Wouldn’t that make it a TV taping really?
– And then there was this one time where Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon hugged Triple H and Diesel… even though they was heels!

VIDEO PACKAGE: ABYSS & FATHER JAMES MITCHELL
– Mitchell says Abyss will probably job again.
– Just kidding. He ALSO promises victory in KOTM3.
– Exactly how many winners are they going to have?
MATCH: BOBBY ROODE with Scott D’Amore, MONTY BROWN & AMERICA’S MOST WANTED with Gail Kim vs. A.J. STYLES, CHRISTOPHER DANIELS, RAVEN & RHINO
– Pier-eight brawl to start and the heels get dispatched quickly.
– Commercial break and I book my ticket for St. Croix.
– They don’t get hurricanes there, right?

– Back with Raven dominating Roode.
– A.J. & Daniels join in the fun against AMW but Harris & Storm soon take control of Styles.
– All the heels keep Ricky Morton… I mean, A.J. Styles on the mat, far away from his partners.
– REACH, A.J., REACH!
– Hot tag to Rhino who War Machines up everybody.
– Except Monty, that is. Brown slams him and all eight guys come back in.
– Pele on Roode, but Harris counters a crucifix into the Catatonic. Very cool.
– Gore on Storm, but D’Amore distracts Rhino and Rhino chases him to the back.
– Daniels hit Angel’s Wings on Harris but Roode breaks up the fall.
– Gail Kim runs-in and stuns FACD with a tornado DDT.
– Monty uses the Pounce to put Daniels away.
– The show ends with Zbyszko’s shocked expression as he peers into a limo into the new face of TNA management and a recap video that has become iMPACT closing standard.

Slammiversary is this Sunday and iMPACT returns to it’s regular time next Thursday at 11PM on SpikeTV. For more information, ask somebody else, because that’s all I’ve been told.

For more great exclusive TNA breaking news, spoilers, results and extras, check out TNAHeadlines.com.

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