WWE Raw Results (8-17): Cena & Orton Team Up, Prinze Jr. Hosts

Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, August 17th, 2009 (USA Network)
Location: The Scottrade Center in St. Louis, Mo.
Results by 411Mania.com

"Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event?"

-Live from the Scottrade Center in Baseball Heaven, USA (St. Louis, MO)

-Freddie Prinze, Jr. is out to start the program to a large round of indifference. Freddie says just like us he's a life long WWE fan. He goes through all of the WWE stuff he had as a kid including a Coliseum Home Video plug, and says tonight is not about him but about you the fans. He says since he's in charge we're going to start Summerslam tonight. He says both the Diva Championship and United States Championship will be on the line. He is interrupted by some guy from some movie he was in or something. I've never seen any of this guy's movies so I have no clue. It appears to be "I Know What You Did Last Summer" It turns out to Santino who wants to be in Freddie's next movie. He says he doesn't need to be in a horror movie, but can instead be in a romantic comedy. Santino changes into baggy clothes, and puts a wig on. He takes the sweatshirt off and has a sleeveless shirt, and says he's "A sexy hot guy now." This is a lot funnier than I can put into print. Santino asks if he's going to be in "24" and asks if he needs a partner. He changes into a cop garb, and goes out and interrogates Lillian. He tells him to call Kiefer, and his wife the werewolf killer. Freddie tells him to go rehearse for the next two hours, and he'll call everyone for him. Santino runs to the back, and Freddie says at least it wasn't a Scooby Doo joke. He says he has one more match for us, and it's the main event. Freddie gets interrupted by the hometown boy Randy Orton who gets a HUGE pop. Orton says tonight he's teaming up with John Cena, but says he doesn't like and he won't do it. He says seeing as Summerslam is only six days away he doesn't feel like competing at all tonight. Prinze says he can understand not wanting to team with Cena, but this is St. Louis. Orton's hometown. He asks if he wants to disappoint these people. Orton says he's not here to please the people, and says he has nothing in common with them. He says it all about him. He's the WWE Champion, and informs Freddie he won't ask him again. Orton orders Freddie to take him out of the match. Prinze tells him that he knows he respects him, but does he look like Seth Green or Jeremy Piven. He says Orton will wrestle tonight, and he will team up with John Cena. Orton grabs Prinze in a headlock, and delivers his inverted backbreaker. So much for tonight's guest host. Orton leaves as trainers and referee's attend to tonight's host.

-King and Cole get all indignant over Orton's actions, and state that Freddie has been taken to a nearby medical facility for observation. So who's in charge?

WWE United States Championship: Kofi Kingston ? vs. Carlito (w. Rosa Mendes)
So I guess Carlito and Rosa are an item now? Carlito delivers a shoulderblock off the ropes, and Kofi is back with one of his own. They trade shoves, and Carlito hits the ropes and delivers a double axehandle to the back of Kofi sending him to the floor as we head to break. Back from commercial, and we see Carlito in control with a reverse chinlock sunk in on Kofi. Kofi fights to is feet, and comes free with a forearm, but Carlito is right back with a big boot for two. Carlito stomps down Kofi in the corner, and then delivers a back elbow off the ropes for two. Carlito sinks in a sleeper, and then goes for a suplex. Kofi flips out, and delivers a Side Russian Legsweep to buy some time. Kofi delivers a couple chops, and a one legged dropkick. Kofi does the legsweep rollup for two, and then delivers a jumping clothesline. Double legdrop connects for Kofi for another two count. Kofi hits a springboard crossbody for two, but then walks into a back elbow from Carlito. Kofi hits an uppercut coming back for two, and then hits a bicycle kick in the corner. Crossbody off the top by Kofi is rolled through by Carlito for two, and then he ducks a Trouble in Paradise attempt. Carlito hits a swinging neckbreaker for two, and then sets up for the backstabber. Kofi blocks it and then hits Trouble in Paradise to retain at 9:21. Everything leading up to Kofi's comeback was pretty dull, but the finishing sequence was phenomenal.
Winner: STILL WWE United States Champion-Kofi Kingston (Pinfall-Trouble in Paradise **3/4)

-In case you forgot about DX, we get a nice DX retrospective showing a lot of stuff from 1997 and 2006 that they'll never be able to do in the 2009 PG era.

The Calgary KidThe Miz vs. Evan Bourne
Miz, now sporting a new look with short trunks, says two weeks ago he was banned from Monday Night Raw. He says now he stands before us a new man with a new attitude and a new look. Same mouth though, and he says he is starting his quest to become the new US Champion. I still say he should have to wrestle as The Calgary Kid since that is who won the contract. Bourne gets the hero's welcome from the hometown fans. Miz attacks with a flurry of right hands and stomps before getting pulled off by the official. Miz goes for a slam, but Bourne slides down the back. Bourne hits a clotheslines, and then hits a very innovated dropkick in the corner. Miz is back with a clothesline for two, and then drives a series of knees and kicks into the back of Bourne. Running boot from Miz connects for two, and that is followed by a double arm seated chickenwing. Miz switches to a bow and arrow, and then drives Bourne into the top buckle. Miz hits a running clothesline in the corner, and then heads to the top rope. He dives into a spin kick from Bourne, and that sends Miz all the way to the floor. Bourne catapults himself over the top with a crossbody to Miz on the floor, and then after Miz gets in the ring he delivers a spinkick. Hurracanrana by Bourne is followed by a dropkick and standing moonsault for two. Miz comes back with an inside cradle for two, but Bourne delivers a running knee. Bourne goes for Air Borne, but gets caught by Miz. Bourne is able to kick him away, and then jumps onto the shoulders of Miz. Miz counters though into a full-nelson facebuster (now called the Skull Crushing Finale per Lawler), and that finishes Bourne at 4:09. Remember kids, no one wins in their home town. Nice little match for the time it got.
Winner: The Miz (Pinfall-Skull Crushing Finale **1/2)

-Recap of the events leading to the return of DX

-DX arrives in their custom limo, and head to the ring through the back. They run into Jillian who is so excited to see them that she serenades them with her rendition of their theme, and gets a garbage can dumped on her head. They then run into Santino who is still rehearsing his role in 24, and he eats a superkick from Shawn. HHH says he didn't think Santino was there to harm them, and Shawn casually says "Oh, I know." Tremendous. Finally they head to the ring. HHH asks Shawn if its good to be back, and he replies that god help him he loves this stuff. HHH begins to go through the "Are you ready?" intro, but they get ambushed by Rhodes and Dibiase. HHH tries to make a comeback, but gets clipped by Rhodes as the beatdown continues. Cody takes Shawn's boot off, and beats HHH over the head with it. If it wasn't painfully obvious DX was winning Sunday already this pretty much clinches it. Dibiase tells HHH that was the answer to his question. Yes they are ready.

WWE Diva's Championship: Mickie James ? vs. Gail Kim
Rob Conway thinks Gail got an underwhelming pop. Gail hits an armdrag, and then both ladies go for dropkicks simultaneously. Gail hits a pair of forearms, and then a sunset flip for one. Gail counters a suplex, and they both roll through a small package several times with neither lady getting a count. Double clothesline puts both ladies out, but Gail is back with a crossbody for one. Mickie hits a back elbow, and then a hurracanrana out of the corner. Gail is back with a hurracanrana of her own, and then heads to the top rope with a missile dropkick for two. Mickie counters a big boot into a half crab, but Gail gets to the ropes. Gail then rolls up Mickie for one, and then misses a crossbody off the ropes. Mickie goes for a DDT, but it is horribly either botched by Mickie or blocked by Gail. Mickie then goes for a spin kick or something which misses and also looked botched. Finally Mickie delivers a forearm and that gets the win at 3:25. I have no idea what the hell that was, but Mickie looks pissed about the whole thing. I can't blame her, because for two women touted as such great wrestlers that was one of the worst matches I've ever seen. I'm talking Jackie Gayda bad. Kelly Kelly and Rosa Mendez could have done better than that. If these are the best two ladies wrestlers in the WWE just shut down the whole division.
Winner: STILL WWE Diva's Champion: Mickie James (Pinfall-Forearm -***)

-We get a recap of the opening segment, and then Cole informs us that Freddie has returned to the arena.

-Josh Mathews is with John Cena, and asks for his thoughts on having to team with Randy Orton tonight. Cena says you got to hand it to Orton, because he uses all of his assets available to him. Because of that he is the most successful superstar in the WWE. He says Orton has a lot of problems. He says when things don't go Orton's way he has a problem being a grown man. Cena says we all have problems though. Cena's problems include a zit on his face, getting cut off in traffic, and when his dog poops on the floor. He mockingly says he can't fight Show because he thinks he'll eat him, can't fight Orton because he uses too much baby oil, and can't fight Jericho because he never learned to read. Cena says that's how Orton handles things, but not him. He says he'll give Orton the opportunity to fight with him tonight, and then at Summerslam he'll take his title. Jericho interrupts and says Cena's problems are worse than just Orton. They also include Jericho who is pissed he got dropped on his head. He tells Cena if he's got a problem with him he's also got a problem with Show. Show tells Cena that he might not even make it to Summerslam.

Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Jack Swagger
No intros as we're right to it with Swagger getting a go behind takedown, but then MVP answering with a right hand sending Swagger to the floor. MVP goes out and throws Swagger into the announce table, but back inside gets met with a series of boots from Swagger. Swagger stays on MVP in the corner, and refuses to break drawing the DQ at 1:04. MVP attacks out of the corner, and then Swagger bails. Its like they realized about five minutes ago they booked this match for tonight, and needed to get it over with as quickly as possible.
Winner: Montel Vontavious Porter (Disqualification-Refusal to Break at 5 DUD)

-Against the advice of the trainers Freddie Prinze, Jr. is headed to the ring.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle
I've lost count, but I think we're up to Chavo-Swoggle VII. My count may be off. Clearly this is the frontrunner for feud of the year. Swoggle tries to hide under the ring, and Chavo chases him underneath. Chavo comes diving out, and then Hornswoggle runs up the ramp. Chavo chases him into the back, and Chavo finds Primo in the back. He asks where he went, and Primo points down the hall. Nice to see he's still getting a paycheck. Chavo wanders down the hall, and finally hears a noise coming from the Blues lockeroom (prompting a Lets Go Blues! Chant from the crowd). Chavo answers the door, and gets a paint can in the face ala Home Alone knocking him out. Hornswoggle comes from the other locker room and pins him at 2:22. Mark Henry appears from the first locker room, and Chavo accuses him of setting it up. Henry says it wasn't him, and then MACAULY FREAKING CULKIN walks out and says "that's not funny." Well that redeemed the whole thing.
Winner: Hornswoggle (Pinfall-Flying Paint Can *)

-Cole and King run down the Summerslam card

LumberJack Match:
John Cena & Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho & Big Show

Chris Jericho and Big Show's mixed-music plays as the Unified Tag-Team champions make their way to the ring for tonight's RAW main event. Randy Orton's music hits and the WWE champion makes his way to the ring. John Cena's music hits and now he's out. Our main event is underway! I spoke too soon. Some music hits and out comes Freddie Prinze Jr. with a microphone. He tells Orton he's going to take a page out of his book. This match is now a LumberJack match. He says he's hand-picked the LumberJacks and none of them like Orton very much. Out comes a bunch of babyface LumberJacks. We return from commercial and the match has already started as Big Show has Cena off his feet in a bear-hug. We see some replays of action during the commercial where both Orton and Jericho had been tossed to the outside. The LumberJacks jump all over both guys and throw them back in. Back to live action, Cena is fighting his way out of the bear-hug. Another replay during the break of Cena trying to tag Orton but Orton refusing the tag. Seems like a lot went down during the break in this match. Big Show still in control, moving around slowly as Cena tries to get back to his feet. Cena makes his comeback. Orton is on the apron with his back turned and Cena walks up to him, slaps him on the back and brings him in the ring. I guess that was his tag. Big Show spears Orton out of the ring. Mark Henry lifts Orton over his head and throws him back in the ring. Big Show mauls Orton into the corner.

Big Show with a big standing leg-drop move on Orton into a pin attempt. He only gets two. Big Show tags Jericho in, who quickly goes on the attack with Orton. Jericho with a sleeper hold on Orton. "Ask him! Ask him!" from Jericho. Orton with a jawbreaker on Jericho to escape the sleeper hold. Cena cheering for Orton to get to him to make the tag. Jericho grabs Orton and yanks him to his side of the ring. Jericho tags in Big Show, who drops a big leg drop on Orton. He pins him but only gets two. Big Show with a big nerve-hold on Orton in the center of the ring, Yokozuna style. Big Show with a suplex on Orton. Big Show tags back in Jericho, who stops Orton from getting to his corner for the tag again. Orton with a slam out of nowhere and both guys are down. Crowd actually popped for Orton's offense there. Cena encoraging Orton to get to the corner. Jericho quickly cuts him off and slaps a rear naked chin-lock on him. "Ask him! Ask him!" again from Jericho to the ref. Orton fighting his way out of it and the crowd gets behind him. Jericho cuts off his momentum, clotheslining him to the mat. Jericho misses the Lionsault. Orton finally gets to Cena and makes the tag. Cena comes in with the hot tag on fire, cleaning house of Jericho and Big Show. Cena hits the Attitude Adjustment on Jericho and pins him for the three count and the victory.
Winners: John Cena & Randy Orton

After The Match:

Orton immediately hits Cena with an RKO as soon as the match ended. Orton leaves the ring and walks up the ramp. Jericho and Big Show now beating on Cena, who's still out. The LumberJacks try to come in for the save but Big Show and Jericho are clearing house of all of them. Cena fighting back. Cena gets Jericho out of the ring. Big shoulder-block to Big Show, which knocks him out of the ring as well. They walk up the ramp. Cena's music hits.