Total Divas Recap: The Bellas Talk Sex, Cameron & Alicia Trade Jabs, Natalya's Cat Makes A Mess

In the event that you've been craving super-dramatic, semi-scripted dramatizations of the lives of your favorite WWE Divas, you're finally in luck because it's time once again for Total?freakin'?Divas. Recaps roll and then we're waist-deep in The Big Muddy?

This one kicks off with Nikki and John working out. Cena comes out in spandex and a lucha mask and suddenly Nikki isn't that interested in working out in a vertical position, if you catch my drift?

The show cuts to Paige arriving at a show venue. Then Brie talks about how excited she is to have a match against Nikki. After a look at their in-ring meeting, we change venues again. Backstage, Paige teases Rosa about having herpes and then Tyson and Nattie argue. In another segment, Alicia Fox refers to Cameron as "Miss Boughetto" and compares her to Shenehneh on "Martin." It's a dated pop culture reference, but it's not without its charm. In a video confessional, Cameron says she doesn't understand the friction that she has with Alicia. Rosa plans a girls' weekend but Paige can't make it, so she's stuck with Alicia and Cameron, so that might be a problem.

Dolph Ziggler makes a cameo and tells one of the ladies to Snapchat him. Nattie confides to Naomi that she's really having a rough time with her relationship woes. She says her dad is sick, her mom's house is falling apart and adds that she has to fumigate her own house at the moment. Naomi invites her to bunk at Casa de Fatu for a spell.

Nikki and Brie go out shopping and Nikki makes Brie don a horse head mask for a photo. Then they come across some "organic condoms." Turns out they're "vegan certified." Pretty much at this point, everyone should expect Austin powers to pop out from behind some shelves and say, "Do I make you horny, baby?" But that doesn't happen.

Brie says that now that she's married, she doesn't have to use condoms with Daniel. Nikki tries to explain how pregnancy works but Brie is a little slow on the draw. She says that instead of using condoms, they use the "pull-out method." Geez, even in Victorian England they used condoms. Granted, they were made of sheep innards...

Back in Los Angeles, Rosa and Alicia go shopping for swimsuits. Hey, is this "sweeps week" or something? Then they go driving around and Alicia starts airing her grievances about Cameron. Rosa tries to calm her down but Alicia says she might have to keep Cameron in check if she puts on airs.

Returning to Nikki and John, the couple is poolside, enjoying some adult beverages. Nikki is pretty pumped about the new Bellas-themed merch. Then the topic abruptly changes to birth control as Nikki starts spilling the beans about how her sister and brother-in-law get it on without protection. Nikki doesn't want Brie to get pregnant because it'll be detrimental to the marketing juggernaut that is The Bella Twins. At least she has her sister's best interests at heart.

After a commercial, we join the girls' night out, already in progress. Cameron's boyfriend Vinnie joins the gaggle and Alicia laments that he's a "third wheel"? despite the fact that there are four people involved. Then they head to the club. Looks like fun. Let's see what's up with Naomi?

Naomi and Jimmy head to Nattie's place to pick her up and it's all sealed up like a circus tent for fumigation. Nattie forgets something and slips under the tent despite all of those warnings about danger, poison and toxic fumes. Nattie vents at Naomi and Jimmy about how crazy her life is as cat fur flies all around the car.

The show heads to Phoenix and we find Brie and Daniel working in the garden. Brie tells him Nikki is worried that they're not having protected sex and Daniel is beside himself with the mere idea of using condoms now that they're hitched.

"Name a married couple who has protected sex," quips Brie. "Is that not weird?" Holy macaroni, people. Just? wow.

Brie and Daniel talk a little more about how babies are made and they agree that creating a child would be a capital idea. Let's check in on that girls' weekend?

Cameron and Alicia argue about who gets to drive and Fox wins that round. Seems like Alicia's driving is making Cameron sick to her stomach. At Runyon Canyon, Alicia and Cameron talk some smack about each other's wrestling skills. Rosa isn't really working out as the special guest ref in this pairing.

We cut to an awkward dinner with Nikki, Daniel and Brie in which Brie objects that Nikki pressed her boobies into Bryan. Bryan says they just felt "like two hard rocks." Nikki decides to have a frank talk with them about birth control. Seems like some great dinnertime conversation, eh? Things eventually degenerate into an argument because it turns out that brie and Daniel don't like Nikki butting into their sex life. Nikki turns it around and basically tells Brie that she'll be the victim if Brie gets pregnant. Think about that while we go to commercial.

Next up, we look in on Nattie, Naomi and Jimmy. Nattie apologizes when her cat poops on their floor and then they look at the Fatu wedding album. Natalya laments her situation with Tyson.

Rosa, Cameron and Alicia hang out by the pool. They start talking about which celebrities they look like and Alicia says that Cameron looks like a "bootleg Nicki Minaj." Cameron responds by saying that Fox resembles "a stank version of Rhianna." Give these women raises? immediately.

Cameron storms off and Rosa meets with her in the hotel and tries to smooth things over. Rosa tries again to mediate and gets the ladies together for a heart-to-heart. Alicia calls Cameron a "douche" and Cameron says that it was Alicia who has been mean since Jump Street. The women agree that they're both "spicy" and they pledge to try and make things better.

When we get back to Tampa, Naomi explains that Jimmy is kind of freaking out because Nattie's cat keeps pooping all over. Nattie is pretty upset and says she'll leave but Naomi tells her to stop with all the self-pity. As Nattie struggles to get her Louis Vuitton bag on to her rolling suitcase, Naomi finally talks some sense into her and she agrees to stay. Naomi also tells Nattie that she cleaned the litter box with her bare hands because she couldn't find the pooper scooper.

More in-ring action is showcased, as we chack out a meeting between Alicia Fox and Naomi. Paige, Cameron and Rosa watch backstage. Then Nikki tells Brie she wants to talk to Mark Carrano to see what'll happen if Brie gets knocked up. Carrano says that the "Bella brand" is what's selling right now, implying but not explicitly saying that birth control is what's best for business.

Nikki rounds things out by saying she's going to keep her brand going no matter what. Carrano says he wants to talk to Brie about her "baby fever." Because that's totally his business, right?

Hey folks, that's it for this week. Rest assured that the next episode will be even more bombastic than imaginable so visit us again in 7 days for the latest reality show recaps!