Total Divas Recap: John Cena's Broken Nose, Rosa's Awkward Family Dinner, Nattie, More

We open with the news that John Cena's nose has been busted up after a botched kick from Seth Rollins during a match on Raw. I don't want to call it gruesome, but even Marsha Brady is horrified.

Nikki is horrified too. She worries it will affect their relationship. She's having nightmares. She's worried about death. She understands now that life is precious. She's clinging to Brie and sneaking into her hotel room so she can have a shoulder to cry on. Brie thinks she's over-doing it a bit.

Anyway, with John (temporarily) out of commission, Nikki needs a new unpaid therapist. She goes to Nattie. Nattie reassures her that she's simply going through a rough patch and that her relationship with John is perfect and will last. Nikki instantly feels better. Nattie should do motivational speeches.

Meanwhile, Alicia and Paige go to play Bingo with the elderly. Do old people even like WWE that much? Even the beautiful Paige and Alicia can't compare with Wheel of Fortune reruns.

Later, Alicia drags her best friend to a furniture store. It turns out Alicia is into taxidermy (that's the weird "stuffing dead animals" thing Norman Bates liked in Psycho before he killed that girl). Paige has to get drunk just to get through the boredom. Or the fear, perhaps.

The Excellent Adventures of Alicia and Paige continue when a fan manages to get video footage of them going a little crazy at a local bar. I could probably get into a show based around these two getting drunk every week and doing wacky stuff.

Also, this week: Bobby and Rosa's different religious views are clashing. Rosa, a Christian, wants to baptize their future child; Bobby, an Atheist, is reluctant. It's OK, they can just compromise and raise the kid as a druid or Jedi.

But Rosa's main concern is how her strict church-going mother is going to handle Bobby's atheist views when they finally meet. Wait...he's only meeting Rosa's devout mom after he's already gotten her daughter pregnant? You think that would maybe be more of an issue than the atheism deal.

Anyway, Rosa's mom is fine with the pregnancy news. And with meeting the father of her grandchild for the first time on a national television show with a camera crew full of strangers present. And with Bobby's 4,000 tattoos. And with Bobby looking like he never washes.

However, then Rosa's mom wants to pray at the dinner table and Bobby isn't keen. "Mom, Bobby doesn't believe in God," Rosa informs her. Bobby shrugs and says "I don't pray." Rosa's mom sells it like she's been hit by a truck. She's shocked by the idea her grandchild won't be baptized. Things get so awkward Bobby gets up to go.

Man, the only way this could get more awkward is if he returned with a Richard Dawkins book and started reading it aloud to everyone while a Bill Maher monologue played on TV in the background.

Honestly: Is an E! Reality show really the proper place to have serious, in-depth political and religious discussions?

Between this and Nikki's existential crisis, Total Divas is getting a whole lot deeper and philosophical. I can't wait for next week when Eva Marie offers her opinion on how to bring about peace between Israel and Palestine.

On next week's episode: Relishing her new role as the show's shrink, Nattie sits down Rosa, Bobby and Rosa's mom and, in record time, gets them all to work out their problems entirely. Cena is deeply jealous.