The WWE divas are making history on the ladder tonight, folks, and Brie Bella -- of all people -- is in her feelings because she can't participate in the ladder competition thanks to baby Birdie. And so begins the Total Divas S7 E2 -- with the first-ever Divas Money in the Bank competition. As fans of WWE already know, this competition ended with Carmella taking the briefcase with the preferred "Money in the Bank" contract, earning her stank-face from all the divas all around. (Yeah, girls -- we feel you.)
We then go right into the battle between Lana and Trinity for the Women's SmackDown title, which ends -- of course -- with Trinity retaining her title (though not without a good fight from Lana, who received on-site encouragement and training from her husband, Rusev).
But what's perhaps most disappointing about this segment is that we go from the action (the ring) to the drama: the next scene cuts into Carmella sitting with the other Divas kvetching about the fact that she doesn't see her longtime love, Big Cass, as often as she wants to. As they're finishing up breakfast, Brie Bella FaceTimes them -- with baby Birdie, the spitting image of her father and all, in tow -- and they agree to baby-sit the littlest Diva the next time they're on the West Coast. AW!
We then swoop on Maryse looking to do a makeover for Alexa, as The Miz makes himself scarce (smartly so). For her part, Maryse is very "Hollywood" (Alexa's word, not ours), whereas Alexa is more fun and funky. (The assertion that Maryse looks like she "comes out of Vogue Magazine" is a little much, however.) That doesn't stop Maryse from taking Alexa to all the blue-chip stores in the mall, like Louis Vuitton, later on in the episode. (It goes as well as you think, which is to say it doesn't go well at all -- you see, Alexa has an eating disorder that, while she manages to keep it under control, is still a specter in her life, and Maryse's size-0 insistence on wearing haute couture serves as a trigger for the poor dear. Maryse needs to chill...)
That "eating disorder" comes up later in the episode, when Alexa sits down for a podcast interview with Lillian Garcia. During the interview, the subject of her extreme weight loss comes up -- she'd lost 20 lbs. in a matter of weeks -- and you can't help but want to tell Maryse to go suck on several eggs for being so far up Alexa's butt about looking "Vogue Magazine cover/Hollywood." Maryse, girl, if you don't go on and get. Ain't nobody calling you for the American Beauty remake, girl...
And Alexa is still considered "The Goddess of the WWE," while Maryse is still looked at as the manager of a former Real World star (90's babies never forget, Mike), so there's that.
Then Natalya and Trinity go off to watch baby Birdie so Bryan and Brie could have some "alone time." (How romantic!) Natalya and Trinity seem to be intent on remaking Three Men and a Baby without Tom Selleck to keep things cute, so they do everything short of screw up the diaper change while also watching Josie and Winston (the French bulldogs). Trinity seemed to get her hands dirty more with the littlest Diva, while Natalya concerned herself with the dogs. This seems like a reasonable arrangement, until Trinity got in Natalya's butt about not being more "hands on" with the kid. In true Total Divas fashion, Natalya points out that she "doesn't know what she's doing" when it comes to kids, because she's never had any, and then the tears start coming because she doesn't want to be the reason Birdie grows up to join the Manson family or something. (It's really not that serious, Natalya... you learn as you go along.)
To Brie's credit, she reassures Natalya that she isn't less of a woman if she doesn't decide to have kids, and offers to buy pizza for everyone the next time they're all over for a Birdie date. You're so cool, Brie -- we'd totally download your mixtape.
The vast majority of the episode, however, is dedicated to Lana being a brat because social media doesn't take her wrestling career seriously. And while Rusev is all "meh" because he's not 15 years old, Lana is all "my life is over u guyz kthxbai." Saint Nikki of Bella takes it upon herself to start training Lana to be more "champ" minded, and the first thing the girls do is hit the gym to "feel that booty tighten."
The next time we see Lana and Trinity, they're hauling it out with each other in the ring. Catfight! Where's your accent, Lana? And needless to say, Trinity beats Lana like she owed her money, but this time, Lana's not that far in her feelings... until she (dun dun dun!) meets with the head of WWE talent relations, and he informs her that she will not be wrestling. At all. Like, ever, this season. Dun dun DUNNNNNN!